Yesterday, I shared my thoughts on addressing a pastor with their title. As in Pastor Dave.
Call me crazy, but I also strongly dislike the term “pastor’s wife.”
Whether it’s a woman introducing herself as a “pastor’s wife” or a special conference for “pastor’s wives” or a blog post about the unique struggles of being a “pastors wife,” I find that description both shallow and narrow.
As a Christian woman, your identity is in Christ, not in your husband, and certainly not in your husbands job. Do plumbers wives go to breakout sessions on how to be a good plumbers wife? Do the spouses of teachers refer to themselves as teacher’s wives?
I understand the unique challenges of being married to someone who is in full-time vocational ministry. I lived it and my wife lived it. But one of my regrets in ministry is not helping her find her own unique voice and place. I was okay with her identity wrapped up in mine.
If you’re married to a pastor, you still have unique gifts, passions and abilities that might be expressed in ways other than supporting him. Your identity should not be wrapped up in another person, now matter how honorable or spiritual their job might be.
I recognize I might be in the minority here, and I also might be completely wrong. But I think that using a descriptive term built on someone else’s profession to describe who we are is a disservice to what God wants us to be.
After a dozen years as a student pastor, and five years a church-starter, I'm the Chief Operating Officer of 
hmmmm . . . not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I understand where you are coming from. On the other hand, I think if there were conferences for women whose husbands are plumbers, they might go to them. I mean, I have actually heard people say, “You know what they say about plumber’s wives?” So, people must, in fact, say things about plumber’s wives, which might lead me to think maybe their life is harder than that of say an electrician’s wife. I’ve never heard anyone say anything about electricians’ wives. I don’t think they need a conference.
What about “Billie’s Mom?” That’s a common phrase in the mommy set.
What about “Coach Dave?” Certainly in the athletic world coaches wear that moniker.
Sometimes I think these titles are just distinctions, not necessarily where people find their identity. Though the case can certainly be made, perhaps even in my own life, that sometimes people do find their identity in their job title. And that’s unfortunate.
All that to say, just call me Carol (even if my twitter name is “THAT Carol Jones.”)
I’m with you, I don’t like what’s attached to the term either.
However, it does tend to be part of the context. It’s not just a “job” (as I know you know). When plumbers get hired, they don’t go through a similar search process where the hiring committee needs/wants to meet their spouse and children.
We understand our pastors (and our leaders in general) partially through their individual personality and their family (they get referenced in sermons, etc.), particularly their commitment to their family. As a pastor, it seems to me that people are more interested/inspired by commitment to my family than my family’s “spiritual performance.” I know this is not true in many contexts sadly.
On a broader cultural level we have First Ladies, “basketball wives” (true for every sport), which in some way only exasperates the problem (your point).
But I was surprised to discover the similarities with doctor’s wives and fireman/police officer’s wives – we also see this with military spouses. There are some similarities on the subculture level, some expectations, some legit concerns and then the interest of people who want to see who/what you’re connected with.
I don’t care for the term per say either but for me, it depends how it’s being used and in what context.
Really good comments here.
I might have overstated my dislike for the term. I didn’t mean to imply that gathering with people who share common interests or circumstances is bad. My main point was on the identity issue.
Thanks for the insightful feedback.